GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

yeah, its just not been a good few weeks. found out that my foodstamps were cut by 28 bucks, went from 112 to 84, ya wanna tell me how to feed a family of 4 on 84/month? really? even the best extreme couponer cant do that. when i first got on foodstamps i got over 700 for a family of four, ok, no big deal, i was able to help one of my aunts out who was going thru a divorce at the time, we would go shopping together and still have money left over, then it dropped to 415, ok, again, no problem was able to still help her out a little, but not like before, hubby got a second job, dropped it to 112 last year, ok, now weve got problems, i could barely feed us on that a month, we had to supplement a LOT, which caused a lot of problems, with overdraft and bounced checks, he lost his second job two months ago, because our van broke down with a bad transmission, then yesterday i called my foodstamp card to see how much im getting and let me tell you i am HEATED about losing 30 bucks. instead of going UP like its supposed to, it went down severely, i mean, really? if i dont get a letter stating WHY it dropped today, im calling my caseworker and she WILL have to explain to me WHY. which means since i cant afford to feed 4 of us, one doesnt eat, and thats usually me, but whatever, as long as hubby and the kids eat, whatever. i can go without for a few days, im already fat enough as it is, why do i need to eat? and yes im highly depressed this time of year, especially because 5 yrs ago i lost my son (my youngest daughters twin brother), not being able to feed my family, hell i cant even do thanksgiving dinner like i was planning, my mom dying 6 days before christmas, christmas itself, because i cant even buy the kids gifts without borrowing money from my father in law, who is a freaking SAINT. really, i just wish we could skip nov/dec and be done with it. weve been cutting out a LOT of stuff, i dont buy brand name shit, i dont buy snacks, i cant even really afford fucking HAMBURGER, yeah, hamburger is fucking expensive too. i dont buy juice, cant really buy much milk, so ive had to cut the kids back on that as well, im sick of rice/beans or pasta and i know the kids are too and i know brian is too, but when thats all the fucking food pantries give you, yeah it SUCKS. cant buy the kids fresh fruit, hell i cant even fucking afford canned fruit or frozen fruit. cant go out to eat, cant have fast food, thats all a TREAT when we get it. im tired of fucking hot dogs, because it seems thats the ONLY fucking kind of protein i can afford, i cant even afford a jar of fucking peanut butter or a loaf of fucking bread. cost of living is going UP, paychecks are going DOWN. ya know, people need to fucking realize that there ARE people who actually fucking NEED foodstamps, and those people are not always (not to sound racist here because IM NOT) black with 30 kids, and their husbands arent drug dealers and they dont drive fancy fucking cars. but it seems those are the people who get the most. hubbys brother/sil get 900+ in foodstamps, plus 900+ in WELFARE, plus 8,000/month from SSI because 4 of their 7 kids are stupid, plus they fucking work SOMETIMES as EMT'S really? and they cant AFFORD to pay their bills? hell if brian and i tried that shit, wed probably end up in jail. oh and they have section 8, so that means they pay a certain amount for rent every month. we tried to get on it, denied, we tried to get onto housing, denied, oh right i forgot WERE HONEST, we dont milk the system. right, because being honest isnt heard of anymore, theyll give liars much more than anyone who is fucking HONEST. i give up, i just wont eat ever again, if it means the kids/hubby have something to eat. i really hope that my dad gives me some money from the check he got for helping someone move, brian helped too, and he was going to give us half of it, we told him to keep 50 of it to go towards bills *we pay half, he pays the other half because who the fuck can live on 344/week? even with budgeting* ive tried getting on SSI but the fucking doctors tell me i can work as tolerated, how the fuck can i work as tolerated when i cant even stand for more than 5 mins without being in fucking pain, and i can barely walk 100 feet without being in pain, but the drs all say i can work as tolerated. ive been to 3 fucking drs who are all orthopedists, because the pain is in my hip joints, which are what folks? BONES and what are orthopedists? BONE DRS. theyve taken MRIs and xrays, they find nothing wrong, ok so im imaging the fucking pain? ok, according to them i am, im not. no pain killers work, not even percocets, NOTHING works. since we got the van fixed a month ago (last payment this week for the work the garage did on the tranny) we will have an extra 50 but thats still not much because even shopping at the fucking dollar store you cant get anything for a fucking dollar anymore, cat litter, cat food, is more than a fucking dollar, laundry detergent is not a dollar. diapers, forget it, 10.50 for 40 STORE BRAND dollar store diapers. are you kidding me, i dont think i have any CLEAN clothes, and honestly (yes its gross) but ive been wearing the same outfit for the last two weeks because i have no clean clothes/cant find my fucking clothes so i can fucking wash them. havent worn socks in 4 months (even when i have my shoes on, i still dont have socks on) because every time i wash some for me, my 14 yr old swipes them or my hubby swipes them. im surprised they havent tried to swipe my fucking underwear (which honestly i only wear one week a month, and we all know why) i refuse to wear bras unless im going over to someones house. i dont have a lot of clothes, maybe 4 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of sweats and maybe 4 pairs of pj pants, lots of shirts which i DONT get to wear because hubby swipes them even though he has clean shirts/underwear/pants/socks/pjs. just the load of laundry i did today was his/socks/one of my fucking shirts. just one, no pants for me, cant find any to wash. sometimes i think about ending my life, then i think about where the kids would be or where hubby would be, and i just cant. ive suffered with depression for the last 26 years, medication DOESNT work. i refuse to take it anyways. and honestly i believe there is a GOD, but i DONT believe in him, simply because it seems we get things on track and something else gets thrown in and fucks it all up again. SERIOUSLY i just cant catch a fucking break. my insomnia has gotten worse, i wont go to sleep til 2 or 3 in the morning and get up between 4 and 5 and up til 2 or 3 the next morning. i dont take naps/cant take them. 4 yr old doesnt take naps anymore, so that means mommy cant nap. im always snappyish because my mind fucking races about what their next meal is gonna be, i could care less what i eat, or when i eat, which lately i dont. i havent eaten since sunday night and all i had that night was mashed potatoes and butternut squash because there wasnt enough chicken. ok, stick with me here, 2 pieces of chicken, cut in half, equals 4 right? and you wanna know how  i figure there wasnt enough for all of us, well its simple, we had one of hubbys friends here for dinner, so therefor there was the 4th person to have chicken. sure they all felt bad i didnt have any thing but potatoes and squash for dinner, but when theres not enough, theres not enough. maybe if i go blind by time im 40 i can finally get on disability, which is in like 4.5 yrs. honestly i wouldnt be surprised if im blind by then, since it seems my eyes get worse every time i get them checked, im due for that next year. and i KNOW my eyes have gotten worse. oh well, yeah this isnt supposed to a PITY post but i guess thats what its turned into, so sorry if you really dont wanna or dont care to read about my problems.

idiot people and random shit

theres a bunch of idiots i know, two of which are getting no contact orders put on them. we were informed that mil and the thing she calls her husband, called DCF on us, claiming we neglect/abuse the kids and the house is unlivable. so they came over last week, and found NOTHING that they claimed was going on, happening. our caseworker is coming over again tomorrow just to do a quick check, all she saw was problems with flies (every freaking house has them), the kitchen table was sticky, and the fridge wasnt clean, and the kids room needed to be cleaner than it was. mil claimed that the house was falling apart, um its just a couple ceilings which weve fixed, and they werent were the kids are (except the stairs which is where we first repaired) yes our room needs to have the ceiling fixed, we havent gotten to it yet, but it will be done, and they didnt need to see in our room. she also claimed that mack is the only one who changes maddy, that brian is the ONLY one who gives maddy a bath and thats ONLY on sundays, that theres old food and mold on the kitchen counters, the house is always a mess, just bullshit like that. my house may NOT always be clean, but it gets picked up everyday, theres NEVER old food/mold on my kitchen counters, ya know since they get cleaned EVERYDAY, mack doesnt change maddy im the ONLY one who does, because she doesnt like anyone else changing her, and im the one who give maddy a bath 3-4x a week because brian is usually zonked out either right after dinner or just after 7. bath is at 730, so its right before bedtime. so the caseworker will be here tomorrow for a quick check, and the case will be closed. karma got mil but good, ok so i helped in that dept by putting a curse on her, that i didnt know i could do til after i did it, she had a stroke 3 hours after she made her claim to DCF. lmfao. serves her right, and NO im NOT lifting the curse, yes shes still alive, and thats my doing, because im making her life a living hell. and its FUNNY! when he goes to get the no contact order on them, hes going to put the kids names on it as well as mine and his, because we want them to have NO contact with any of us. that means they wont be able to call, come over, see the kids if they go near the kids theyll be arrested, if they try to contact us theyll be arrested oh yes, karma (and me) got them real good. they wanted to play that game, i played it BETTER. they dont realize who theyre messing with.

so last week i won an entire CASE of little debbie brownies on twitter, yes a WHOLE CASE of them, ill be getting them today, i cant wait, we dont usually have snacks in the house, but we will now. the box weighs 16lbs, thats ALOT of snacks. i have to reserve a few boxes. one to one of my cousins who borrowed my big cooler and hes going to give me that back plus a box of salt water taffy for letting them borrow the cooler, plus hes going to pick up his box of brownies, my dad a box, my sister a box and hubbys best friend a box. so thats 4 boxes the rest are MINE ALL MINE, IM NOT SHARING. yes i will. lol. the kids like to snack sometimes, and if anyone else thinks theyre getting any, theyre on crack. little debbie brownies are MY crack, lmao, well so is pepsi, but i havent won any pepsi. damn wish i could though. i really thought i was seeing things when little debbie announced last week that i won a whole case of snacks, i kept looking at my twitter to make sure i was seeing right. lmao. i think its valued at like 100 dollars or something, idk.

friday is my dads 59th birthday, i already gave him his present from us, it was a 90 dollar pic on canvas that i had done for free, all i had to do was write a review. i KNOW after i gave it to him, he started to tear up and thats because it was a pic of my mom. ive only seen him cry 3x in my life. the first time was when my twin was killed, the second when my mom died and then when i gave him his birthday present early. he recently moved out, so its just me, brian and the kids here in the house. now we have extra bedrooms. the one room that was my dads room has been converted into the guest/tv room, there is NO tv in the living room anymore. i was going to make it the play room, but since theres a bed in there, its now the guest room. when we fix the back bedroom, ill probably turn THAT into the play room. to get all the freaking toys out of the living room/kids room. and trust me, ive already gone thru all the toys several times, tossed whats broken/they dont play with anymore. right now maddy has a fascination with thomas the train engine, NOTHING wrong with that, but she does like girly toys too, like dolls. i just recently got a polly pocket for free and as soon as that came in, they both attacked it and wanted to play with it. lol.

just stuff

the kittens are now 7 weeks old. Chuck Norris (or as maddy calls him, chuck norns, lol) Miracle (ill tell the story of her name in a few) Cocoa, Checkers, and Tyke. everytime they see me, they run up to me and LAUNCH themselves at my legs to climb. they call me the "crazy kitten lady" lol. if i sit on they floor and they spot me, theyll all run over to me to climb, apparently im a kitten jungle gym. little crazies. they eat solid food now, drink water from a dish, and they like people food. but we only give them that once a week. they use the litter pan (literally one of my cookie sheets as a litter pan, the litter box is too big for them to get into)

ALL 5 on me. starting at top left: checkers, chuck norris, tyke, miracle and cocoa

3 on my back. left to right: tyke, chuck norris and checkers

today is hubbys bday. hes 32. though a couple months ago he tried to make me think he was going on 33. then i said to him "oh, so you were born in '80, not '81?" he said "no, i was born in '81" i told him "so that would make you turning 32, dumbass" my mind may be slipping, but my brother is 1 yr older than him. dingledorf.

next wednesday is going to be a BAD day for me. it will be 26 yrs since i last saw my twin brother. yes, that was the day he was killed. oh i KNOW hes around me at all times, and we STILL have the twin connection, we ALWAYS will, but its just the fact that hes not here physically. i often wonder what he would be like, if he would have any kids, if he would be married. stuff like that.

made this last year for his anniversary

so onto how miracle got her name. a few weeks ago, we had to bring her to the emergency vet. she wasnt acting right, not walking, pooping on herself, so i had hubby bring her. they said that her heart rate was low, her temp was low, and they gave her a 50/50 chance. and what caused all of this was MINOR head trauma, while we DONT know how she got it, hubby told the vet that our 4 yr old was running while holding her and she tripped. and thats what weve gone with since we DONT know how. i stayed up all that night, worried about the little girl, figuring that at ANY time the vet would call in the middle of the night to tell me she didnt make it. NO phone call, so i called the next morning and asked how she was doing. the vet said "shes eating breakfast, whatever her head trauma was resolved itself overnight, shes doing great. shes playing and acting like a normal kitten, i was going to call right after she had breakfast" i asked him "if she hadnt made it, would you have called in the middle of the night?" he said "with a kitten this young, yes i would have, you didnt sleep cuz you thought i would call right?" i said "thats right" he said "well you can come pick her now, shes ready to go home to play with her siblings, and have some of moms milk" so i ran into the house and said very excitedly (and tears in my eyes) "we can go get her, shes ready, come on lets go" we were all out of the house and on our way to get her within 5 mins. she cost us 150 dollars, so we decided to keep her too (and cocoa, since hes a male calico. when shes old enough shes getting fixed, and so is her mother. it was a miracle she survived, so thats what we named her.

hubbys mother (yes my MIL) and his step father want us to move in with them. while yes it WILL help us save money til we can save enough for our OWN place, i have a few problems...mainly they like to criticize, i foresee a LOT of arguing between us and them. and no privacy. i told brian, give me 350 dollars, ill go to the bank to clear my debt and we can get a damn loan for a freaking house. oh another issue is they wont allow me to bring my kitty zoo. sorry but im not giving up ANY of my cats. two of them are 10 fucking years old. 2 are 1 yr old maybe a little older and the two babies. ive had to give up cats to move before and i REFUSE to do it again. while yes it was my decision to do so, but it would have been torture for them to be stuck in a laundry basket for two days. and yes they were brothers, but they were 5 1/2 yrs old. we brought them to the humane society right before we left. my mom brought them in and told them they were both fixed, they were good with small children, they were both polydactyl, up to date on shots, good with other cats and good with dogs. since they were raised around all of the above. they were sweet boys. i loved them. their names were christopher and salem. salem being all black. christopher (or as mack used to call him kissyfur) was gray/white tiger striped.  they were both adopted out within an hour, to the same house. because thats what my mom told them. they HAD to go together, they couldnt be separated. my dad went to get them later that day and found out that they were already adopted.

i know its been few months

ok, so i know its been a few months since i last made a blog post. one of brians friends moved in, did nothing all day but sleep. well saturday, he threw a cup because the kids put a worm NEAR him, not on him, but near him, and he threw a hard plastic cup, nearly hitting the kids and me. i yelled at him to get up and pick it up, then he had a shitfit because i woke him up. and said "i cant sleep at night, i cant sleep during the day, when am i supposed to sleep?" i yelled "i cant sleep at night but you dont see me sleeping all fucking day" he left, havent seen him since, and its a good thing, because of that cup incident, i kicked him out. when he comes to get his stuff, im giving him 20 mins to get it all out of my house or ill throw it away. im sorry you dont throw stuff and nearly hit kids and expect to stay here. nope dont happen. then hes causing all kinds of shit because he got kicked out. he told brians piece of shit lazy ass lying brother that brian did a truck run, meaning he went to new hampshire on saturday to pick up 5 budget trucks, now we know those are infamous for drug smugglers, but the trucks he went to pick up were right from the warehouse, and they had staties with k-9 units to make sure, then they drove them to troy ny. so his lying sack of shit brother stopped by last night, now he has NOTHING to do with brian unless hes trying to start shit, which is what he was doing last night, then he told me AND brian to stop yelling at him, i told him "look you lying piece of shit, youre on MY property, i can and WILL yell if i fucking want to. dont like it? then fucking leave, and IM older than you so RESPECT YOUR FUCKING ELDERS"  he wouldnt stop being a liar so i said "im gonna have to ask  you to get off my property and leave, please" he didnt leave when i asked NICELY for him to leave, so i told him "get the fuck off my property, ive asked nicely, you didnt listen, leave now" it took 10 minutes for him to leave. can not stand him. all he does is put brian down. his mother and i have been getting along lately, and its really scary. she comes here during the day on weekends cuz of her health, she cant be left alone, so she comes here.

mack is a high school freshman in sept. i got her report card AND schedule in the mail. 4 A's 4 B's and 1 C. she was accepted into the vocational program at one of the high schools, the high school of her choice, which is one of the harder high schools.

we now have 5 kittens they will be 4 weeks on wed. they were born june 3rd. the 4 boys are already claimed, and the one little girl, hasnt been claimed. one of the boys were keeping because hes calico. theres an all black one, he has been claimed by one of my dads coworkers and she named him of all things, CHUCK NORRIS. yeah. the calico were keeping is named cocoa. the black/white one is named checkers and hes going to my sister. one of the striped ones (the boy) is named tyke, and hes going to my neighbor. the only one left is MS MOUTH, why is she named that? because shes loud. i know it looks like i took pics of the same kitten over and over for the last three, but i can tell ya, i did not

checkers

chuck norris, yes he has an eye cold

cocoa

tyke

ms. mouth

dumb people

    Mack had a school project last month that she spent at LEAST 20 HOURS on, and the freaking teacher gave her a D, yep a D, a 64. she spent 3 Sundays talking to my grandma about it since she couldn't talk to my grandpa (he was in the air force during WWII, and passed away 2 years ago). she did a LOT of research for the project, including working on a visual, which was a diorama. She took a shoe box and put blue and green construction paper in it, blue for the sky, green for the grass, and HAND DREW 2 airplanes that she saw on the internet, glued them into place and added other details, like a person working on the plane on the ground, then her WRITTEN report which was supposed to be in journal entry form, he said was written in TIMELINE form, um NO, i checked her report it was indeed JOURNAL ENTRY form. the teacher is a douche bag. we all know what a timeline looks like and we all know what a journal entry looks like. EX:    TIMELINE:

• BLAH BLAH BLAH

1. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
2. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
3. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

• BLAH BLAH BLAH

1. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
2. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
3. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

• BLAH BLAH BLAH

1. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
2. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
3. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

am i wrong here?

               JOURNAL ENTRY:

                                                                                                                            date
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

                                                                                                                              date
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

right?

she did the JOURNAL ENTRY type and he said it was wrong, why? because she put TWO different DATES on the same page. ive asked for a meeting with him, if he refuses, i CAN and WILL get him fired. ive done it before and ill do it again.

her second grade teacher, LET her be BULLIED in the water fountain line, and did NOTHING. i called a meeting with her, we met, nothing changed, so i went to the school board and got her fired. i wasnt the only one to complain about this teacher, but when they heard she let a child be BULLIED while she stood there and did nothing, that was it for them, they fired her and she lost  her teaching license, because of it.

personally i think the teacher needs to go back to english class and LEARN writing styles, like seriously? you said it was wrong? um no, im a writer, i know the freaking difference between the two. one of my passions is WRITING. whether it be blog posts or short stories or letters. and no ones ever read my short stories because well, theyre like my journal, i dont like letting other people read them, theyre personal.

NONE of the kids like this teacher, hes a wicked asshole. ive consulted with one of my best guy friends (the one i wrote about earlier this month) and he said he would come up and kick the teachers ass. hes always called her HIS pumpkin (red hair) shes ALWAYS been HIS. shes not his child biologically but he always called her his. ever since we met 13 yrs ago. hes really protective of her (and me and maddy, or as he calls her squirt) and he doesnt even know maddy...lol...

Mack

Maddy

the two girls. and yes they look very much like ME.

i dont know...

    On sunday we went to VT to my niece/nephews birthday party, was a GREAT DAY. had fun, the kids had fun. well i had an extra kid with me, i had her all weekend, and she LOVED it, well on sunday her foster "dad" called/texted me. i dont know HOW he got my number, i dont know HOW he knew i had her and i dont know HOW he knew i was out of town. i NEVER gave him my number, ON PURPOSE. i DONT like him, so therefor i never gave him my number. her foster mom has my number, and thats only to keep in touch when i have her. she told me she doesnt want to go back to ny, she would rather live with her foster mom, but ultimately she wants to live with me. we got home and there was a note from him, telling me not to let her foster mom have her and to call him when we got home. um no, i had an agreement with her foster mom, i went thru with it. im sorry but im not sending a child into hell because the crackhead foster father wants to do drugs and thats more important than feeding the kids and if they do feed them, its hot dogs while they have steak, NO NO NO NO, SO WRONG. any GOOD parent would give the kids steak and they eat hot dogs, at least thats HOW I AM. and if theres not enough, i go without. when she lived across the street, she would come over everyday, and i didnt mind. and if i fed her (which i did every night she was here) and if there wasnt enough, i made damn sure that the kids ate, my dad ate and brian ate, if i didnt eat that night, i didnt eat, big deal. and dinner time is at a decent time NOT at the kids bedtime, are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? you eat dinner at 9 at night, what fucking crack are you on? and then the kids have to stay awake til after dinner? EAT DINNER AT A FUCKING REASONABLE HOUR. UGH. then ya bitch cuz the kids dont want to get up in the morning, well gee i fucking wonder why. oh and if the kids ask for seconds all they get is veggies, really? if they ask for seconds (which they usually dont at my house because i usually give them enough to fill them up the first time, like any GOOD parent would do, but on the off chance they want more, ill give them another helping of EVERYTHING) yeah, fucking crackheads. cant stand people like that!

       Got another update on my gram, shes well enough to be moved from the ICU to a regular room, and eventually be transferred to my local hospital. she CAN talk, but its like baby talk, you cant really understand her. she DIDNT need the breathing tube, she just had an off day. and thats the latest i know about her.

    One of our neighbors, who owes us 8 grand wants us to take over his truck...dodge durango. i have several problems with it, ONE being thats how hes going to try to get out of paying us back. TWO being its yet another FUCKING bill we CANT afford. THREE, insurance is going to be thru the fucking roof because brians only had his license ONE FUCKING YEAR. WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING MONEY. we have to find another place to fucking live, and hes more fucking concerned about a fucking vehicle. ok, i KNOW its his only mode of transportation, but shouldnt a FUCKING ROOF OVER YOUR FUCKING KIDS HEADS AND YOUR FUCKING HEAD AND YOUR WIFES FUCKING HEAD BE MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT? i would think so. so when we have NO FUCKING MONEY for a fucking apartment, or other bills, dont come fucking crying to me. and he keeps fucking forcing the issue, he keeps forcing it, im going to fucking say no. EVERY FUCKING DAY he has something to say about it, well keep fucking talking about it, cuz its NOT going to fucking happen. he was supposed to save 4 grand from his fucking taxes so we could have money to move into a place, but NO OF FUCKING COURSE NOT, hes worse than a fucking girl. spending money, while im TRYING to fucking save. they all see me just sitting on the fucking computer all day, FALSE, while i may be on the computer the MAJORITY of the day, im not on it ALL day. and when i am on it, its looking for freebies or ways to fucking save money. i get NO appreciation from ANYONE for it. it doesnt fucking matter if the fucking truck has an alarm on it, it doesnt matter that brian has AAA. it all goes by how long youve had your fucking license and shit like that, if he had it for longer than ONE year, YES it would be cheaper, but hes not "experienced" he hasnt had it 5 years.

unreal

there was a setback with my gram yesterday...they might have to put in a breathing tube, thats BAD. very very BAD. thats the latest update on her

today is maddys 4th birthday. im SUPPOSED to go to the dollar store to pick up stuff for her party, then run to the grocery store to get stuff to make her cake with. big arguement this morning as it ALWAYS is on payday. PEOPLE need to STOP BEING FUCKING GREEDY. i swear people WILL get throat punched and balls chopped off, any guesses whos being greedy? thats right, his stepfather. fucker wants 150 dollars, i protest, but obviously NOONE FUCKING CARES WHAT I FUCKING SAY. so when were broke in two days, i can say FUCK YOU, I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO SO DONT FUCKING BITCH AT ME. like all i need to get at the dollar store is paper plates/cups/silverware, cat food and laundry detergent, cake mix, frosting and eggs. then down at the grocery store writing frosting and tips for those plus chicken nuggets and french fries for dinner. because thats what she said she wanted for her birthday dinner. its just going to be us girls anyways, dad and dumbass have to go to middlefield to paint a floor, and brian needs to help move furniture so the newly painted floor doesnt get scratched. i also have to get milk while im at the grocery store and some fucking mayo and bread and chips so we can have tuna for lunch. difficult to make tuna without bread or mayo...nevermind that i have 13 or so dollars i was going to bring with me so i didnt spend a lot of his money. cuz GOD FORBID i spend ANYTHING. sunday i got 75 for my birthday, who spent most of it? HIM of course. MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY MONEY AND I GOT TO SPEND MAYBE 2.35 and I DIDNT EVEN SPEND THAT, mack did because she needed pads. she started her FIRST period the other day. what a great fucking birthday for maddy huh? to make up for that, ill get some balloons at the dollar store and give her ONE of her presents today. probably her preschool workbook, and her thomas movies on saturday. yeah, im NOT in a good fucking mood. told him to only give his piece of shit stepfather 50. just FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. and when he said no, i said "fine, well have a crappy party, and when were broke, fuck you, dont fucking bitch at me for it, because it will be YOUR FUCKING FAULT." then i slammed the van door and he left for work.

just random

     so last wednesday i found out one of my grams had a MAJOR stroke. scared the shit out of me, not knowing for a whole day what was going on, shes the gram who pretty much disowned me over twin cabbage patch kids, and as much as she and i DONT get along, she IS family. then today i finally got another update, shes doing well enough to be moved to the hospital in my city. its a LONG road with her, as she cant really talk, she CAN move her left side (which is the side a stroke most affects). just found out TODAY the cause of her stroke. she had a clot in her lung and when they did a colonoscopy on her last wednesday, it was apparently dislodged and it went up to her brain causing her stroke, so i guess she was at the drs when it happened, and i guess thats why shes LUCKY it didnt kill her. drs are TRAINED to know the symptoms of a stroke. on the positive note, shes still alive and she survived it.
      one of my aunts on moms side tried to claim SHE took care of my mom when she was dying, and SHE took care of my aunt who died of breast cancer and SHE thinks SHES gonna be the main caregiver of my gram. um NO, does she want to try that shit again? because i can tell you everything WRONG..MY GRAM (the one whos in the hospital right now) AND ME TOOK CARE OF MY MOM *mostly me though, but if i had an errand to run, my gram took care of mom* 2nd, MY MOM AND GRAM AND MY COUSIN took care of my aunt when she was dying of breast cancer. and I'LL probably be the main caregiver (aside from the nurses/drs at the hospital) since I live the CLOSEST to the hospital. of course, my aunts/uncles will help out too, but since i live the closest itll probably be me helping out.

    now that i have THAT out, one of my best guy friends has been hinting that he misses being with me, though he KNOWS im MARRIED, and we live 1500 miles apart, (he lives in fl, im in ma). all day friday he was apparently thinking naughty thoughts about me, and how we were never TECHNICALLY together, we just acted like it for 3 yrs. EVERYONE thought we were together, because we would cuddle on the couch, hold hands, just in general did everything together. he won me a porcelain doll that i still have (cuz shes pretty) and he gave me one for christmas the first year we were "together" still have her too, because like my mom, i collect them. he would come up to my house *when i lived in fl* every weekend (never stayed the night though) he would just stay late and we would go for walks, go swimming, have dinner together, go out to movies you know, typical date things. he lived an hour away from me when i lived in fl. so he would drive up every friday or saturday so we could hang out. and i think he was really upset when i moved. i know i was upset because he was one of my good friends (yes we still talk/text just about every day) funny thing is, i met him in a chatroom on the internet. the last thing we ate together was pizza because i was moving the next day, so he came up to say goodbye (only reason i remember that was because he reminded me, my memory sucks) hes a good guy, hes sweet, but the truth of the matter is im married and i would NEVER cheat on my hubby, though hes an asshole sometimes i just wanna cut his dick off. my friend knows this. (that i would never cheat on my hubby) i think my friend was actually in love with me, though he never said it only because of him thinking those thoughts about me and how hes always thinking about "us" i havent given that a thought until recently when he told me about it. he pretty much has "i want what i cant have syndrome" though theres plenty of people for him to be with, he wants me back, told him im sorry but you know im married and i wouldnt do that to him, you know that. he said he knows. so yeah thats how that went.

     yesterday was easter, as if you didnt know, we went to my aunts house (dads side) for easter dinner and birthday party (for me and my very soon to be 4 yr old) had a good time. i got 75 dollars, a balloon, a candle and a plant. maddy got a Wii game and 3D sidewalk chalk and a balloon. this saturday is her party at my house, then on sunday we are going to my sisters! i cant wait to see her and my niece/nephew. shes doing  a special cupcake for maddy. i have their presents and she has maddys. my niece/nephew have the same birthday, only theyre ONE year apart. my nephew will be 5, my niece will be 4. yes that means maddy is 3 days older than my niece. lol. and everytime we go up there my niece copies maddy. when we were up there last year, she saw maddy wearing shorts (i think) and she started wearing shorts/dresses/skirts. before that she wouldnt. im going to put maddys hair up and see if she wants her hair up too.

wasnt so bad and UGH!!!!

so i had jury duty yesterday, though i was originally scheduled for may 9. last week i got a paper saying i had it for yesterdays date, so i went in and by me going in i got out of doing it on may 9. thought i would be there til like 2 or so. so my dad took the day off. i had left before maddy got up. about 945 i was dismissed...i was happy i didnt have to serve on the jury.  so i called my dad to let him know i was on my way home, and asked if maddy asked for me...he said no, thats a GOOD sign. that means she doesnt have separation anxiety and when she starts school she will be fine. i think my anxiety of leaving her for the FIRST time in her life was sky high because i wasnt sure if she would flip out that i wasnt here or what, but i was happy to find out she didnt care that i wasnt there. hell she didnt even notice i had come home til i had been home for a half hour.
    we have to move soon, i want/need to stay in the same city were in now. hubby wants to move out of the city/state. i have WAY too much to lose to do that, and hes not getting that. he doesnt understand that it takes FUCKING FOREVER to find drs for me and the kids. he wants to move back to fl, while yes the rent is MUCH cheaper, it takes FOREVER to get on state health insurance down there, it takes FOREVER to find drs I CAN TRUST, down there. when i lived there when mack was a baby, her dr ended up going out of business for MALPRACTICE. yeah, theres NOTHING walking distance down there. he doesnt get it, that if we move out of state, i have to give up my cats AGAIN. i did that when i left fl 9 yrs ago when mack was 4 (almost 5) and im NOT doing that again to another 4 yr old. it KILLED me to give up my cats the last time, its going to kill me more to do it again. he says theres nothing here for him, ok, so his father is nothing? his father is over 60 and has already had 2 FUCKING HEART ATTACKS. my dads pushing 60 (will be 59 this year) not only that i wouldnt be able to go see my mom, my aunt and my twin brother when i want. its a 20 minute walk for me now, and he wants to take me 1500 miles away. i told him i dont give a shit im not moving out of state. im not moving out of this city. theres WAY too much for me to lose. so we argued about it. im NOT moving out of this state or city. and we would have to have more than 6 grand to move to fl. which we DONT have, because he spent all of his taxes on misc stuff, the van was important, and so was food but everything else, NOT important. and paying our dads and his best friend money we owed them, but everything else NOT important. i try to save money, he spends it all. but whatever, i dont know what the fuck im talking about. theres no such thing as welfare or foodstamps down there, NONE WHATSOEVER. and he would have to get a job first down there and a place to live BEFORE we even fucking THOUGHT of it, not to mention id have to leave my SISTER. there ARE places up here we CAN AFFORD but he doesnt want to hear it, so fuck that, im done, not moving dont care what he says.

some people and other stuff

some people are too stupid for their own good, take for instance, hubbys step father. fucker has been costing brian money in his newspaper checks. like every mistake the idiot makes it costs 3.00 PER paper that he screws up. then the ass wants MORE money than he earns. so brian told him hes done with him and hes not going to be helping anymore. he has my 14 yr old helping on weekends and one of his friends helping the rest of the week, his stepfather NO MORE. last week he cost my hubby 200 out of his pay from the newspaper. so he gets NOTHING next week (pay is every two weeks from the newspaper). the other day brian let him take the second smaller part of the route and fucker didnt bag the papers like hes SUPPOSED to. like fucking seriously TOO STUPID FOR HIS OWN GOOD. so guess what happened? yup brian got a lot of complaints. told him to tell his stepfather hes done. his mother is too stupid for her own good too. but thats nothing new. when the dumbfuck started helping brian, he told the dumbass that he would be getting 60 every two weeks from the newspaper check, but thats not good enough for him, he wanted 60 EVERY WEEK. told brian NO and if he was going to help he would get paid out of the newspaper check, not his regular check. oh and not to mention dumbfuck STOLE the helper position from brians best friend. didnt ask just STOLE. so glad to be done with the fuck. they just recently moved, and said that if they got thrown out of their old place they were coming to live here, um NO. first off, they cant just decide theyre going to move into a place THEYRE NOT WELCOME. and second, i could legally have had them arrested if they tried. because they KNOW theyre not allowed here. besides, they would have been dead within two seconds of being in the house. his mother and stepfather and i DO NOT get along, AT ALL. like seriously, they dont want to piss me off to no end AT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK i have jury duty tomorrow. DAMN IT. thankfully my dad will be taking the day off to watch maddy. brian cant because his job wont let him. so this past saturday i turned 35. well friday night hubby/his best friend/kids and i went out to a local pizza place for dinner, my choice, because i LOVE their pizza. hubby had brought a cake in earlier in the day for them to bring to me after dinner. it was funny because even though like NOONE knew my name except us...DUH everyone was singing happy birthday to me. JERK found a way to embarrass me. above is the cake. had some on saturday as well and the meanie put trick candles on it. and i wasnt allowed to blow them out myself, my ALMOST 4 yr old had to help...lol...since her birthday is NEXT WEEK! AAAHHHHHHHAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAHHHH. lol. her party is on the 6th, and the day after we have a party to go to at my sisters, for HER two kids, who are EXACTLY 1 yr apart. and shes doing a little something special for maddy that day too. shes a sweetheart, because she doesnt HAVE to but shes gonna...lol...i already have her kids presents and my familys easter shit bought and put together, i will get the usual NOTHING. and thats fine because on easter we are having a double party on my dads side for me and maddy, since our birthdays are so close together. and it will also be one of my cousins birthdays but shes in fl so ill just call her that day to wish her a happy birthday. and everyone can talk to her then. or ill text her...lol...

when i worked at hotels cleaning rooms....and other stuff

so on saturday is the big 3-5. all i know is i better get something good, and get the cake i want...and if you know anything about me and what my fave sport is, its racing. and since you know that, then you would know my favorite driver is dale jr. and thats what i want on my cake (the actual person would be nice, but since im off in lala land, i KNOW that wont happen) lmao. this story im about to tell is so funny...when i was working at a gas station i had a coworker who liked JR as much as i do, well, hes a redhead, and so is my oldest daughter, so i told my (former) coworker that she was his..and she BELIEVED me. she asked me "does he pay child support?" i said "no, im not a gold digger, i dont want his money, hes coming up this weekend to see us though. he might give me some money then, but he knows i wont take it" the look on her face was PRICELESS. anything i said that concerned him and my daughter she believed. i was straight lying thru my teeth, but hey she was really gullible. then, being a royal smartass that i am, i took a pic of him and a pic of her and put them side by side, and she said "she looks just like him" i said "see, i told you that shes his" lmfao, they look NOTHING alike, other than the red hair. he has green eyes, shes got blue. i have blue. lol. while yes i have met his father, i NEVER met him. ive met some other celebrities as well...the joys of  cleaning hotel rooms. i even had to kick a nascar driver out of his room cuz he was an asshole. i was 18 at the time, and the driver drove the cornflake car, terry labonte. yeah hes a major dick. he tried to tell me how to do my job (ok, i was new to the hotel and new to the state of fl) so i told him "do i tell you how to drive a race car?" he said "no" so i said "then dont tell me how to do MY job. i may not make a lot of money, like you do, but this is MY job, not yours" he then told me "im reporting you to the head housekeeper" i said "go ahead, shes not gonna do anything" lmfao, the head housekeeper was my mom. so he went and told on me. of course i didnt get into trouble. such an ass. lmfao. as he was leaving to go practice i told him "make all RIGHT turns" and if you know racing/watch racing, they only make LEFT turns. ill be damned that he didnt make a right turn. what a dumbfuck. at another hotel i worked at with my mom, she was head housekeeper/laundry...we had a V.I.P room for a week. the V.I.P requested that "the mom/daughter team" only clean the room. the mom/daughter team? yup, me and my mom. the V.I.P? james earl jones and his wife. they left us each 50 bucks, EVERYDAY. that was more than i made in a day. another time, same hotel it was B.C.R. (black college reunion) and i had 3 floors to myself, (out of 7, i had floors 3,4,5) and at the this time i was on the 3rd floor cleaning, and two of the rooms were checking out. we had to leave cards with our names on it so they could know who their housekeeper was...well as i was cleaning one room, one of the people in one of the rooms that was checking out came up to me and said "are you becky?" i said "yes i am" she said "this is for you" and handed me 20. i said "thanks" she said "i wanted to make sure that you got it" i said "thanks" she said "in the other room is 10 dollars" i said "ok, thank you" then she left. sure enough i got 30 dollars from the two rooms. i went down to show my mom and she said "i get half" i said "no way mom" she said "im your mother, i trump everything, i get half" i growled at her and gave her 10. lmao. same hotel...SPRING BREAK. on the 6th floor helping another housekeeper since i didnt really have anything on my 3 floors, some college kids decided they wanted to take our pics with them. another time, same place, just a random day, helping the same girl (we called her little bit, she was really short) we knocked on a door, and they guy answered the door BUTT NAKED. we wanted to die. then offered him his clean towels. did not step foot in that door. and told him, next time to cover up. we didnt need to see that. yet another day my glasses broke (was a sunday) mom had given us radios so she could keep in contact with us...she knew right off that it was a BAD idea to give me one, because i refused to call her by her name on the radio and kept calling her MOM. well this day, i called her on the radio and asked where she was, she said she was in the laundry room and asked why. i told her "you need to call dad, i cant see" she said "what do you mean you cant see?" i said "my glasses broke, i cant see" so she came up to see where i was and stuff and called my dad. who had to come pick me up and bring me to the mall to get new glasses. that was the roughest 3 hours of my life. i had A BAD headache. you see, i cannot see a foot in front of my face without glasses. same hotel my 21st bday. my moms boss told her "whether you like it or not, im taking her out clubbing on her 21st" my mom couldnt object, went to dinner that night, started drinking since i was legal. (my oldest daughter was less than 2 months old) my moms boss picked me up at 9 and we went out. the night was mostly a blur, but i do remember her telling every DJ of every club we went into that it was my 21st so a lot of guys were buying me drinks and doing shots with me and i was wearing mardi gras beads. and i dont remember anything after that. my moms boss didnt drink and drive so all she had was water all night. i dont even remember how i got home or into bed, but when i woke up the next morning i was still wearing the mardi gras beads...lol...went to work, she sent me home. i told her i didnt have a hangover and i was fine to work, she made me go home, she even drove me home.

my birthday and other junk

so its my birthday this month, the big 3-5 YIKES!!! this year, since it falls on a saturday, apparently we are going to be celebrating for the whole weekend? idk what my hubby is up to, but i know it has to do with my bday. then since easter is at the end of the month and i have plans the day AFTER my bday, we will be celebrating mine and my youngest (whos birthday is a week/half AFTER mine, all you math peoples out there, her bday is april 4, and she will be 4) with my dads side of the fam. and i HAVE to make my "famous" coleslaw...per request of one of my aunts who couldnt get enough of it last summer. since were having ham, nothing goes better with ham than coleslaw. and mine is a simple 4 ingredient coleslaw...my mom taught me. yesterday we went to celebrate my grams 89th bday, on my dads side, and she had a blast blowing out her inferno of candles...when we left we had 8 twisted teas (plus one whole unopened 12pk, hubby and i only had 2 each of the opened one) we came back and there was only 3 in the opened box, and 2 dollars, PLUS my 15 dollars in scratch tickets i left on the microwave was missing and in its place 2 dollars and a LOSING ticket. and YUP i know who STOLE my stuff, hes no longer allowed here. and if he tries to come here, i can have him arrested for theft...ok, so 5 twisted teas and 15 dollars is not much, but it doesnt matter its THEFT.  he STOLE my stuff, that shit dont fly with me. he had been staying with us (neighbor) told my dad about it, hes PISSED and said hes not allowed here anymore. dad also said "he shouldnt be TOUCHING ANYTHING, this is OUR house, NOT his" he was supposed to go with dad today but of course hes NOWHERE to be seen and my dad was going to SCREAM at him for stealing from me yesterday. i dont care what the excuse is, THEFT IS THEFT. my plans for the day after my bday are meeting up with my bestie/soul sister and one of our other mom friends, who this will be the first time meeting her in person. we all met each other when we were all preggo with our ALMOST 4 yr olds...on a website. i have met my bestie/soul sister (ok screw it, shes my sister) many a times. and we learned not that long ago that we are indeed soul sisters. so we just take out the soul part and keep sister. back in july at my yearly pap appt, it came back abnormal, so in oct i had to go get a biopsy, ok, no problem she (my dr, gyno) took 3 samples, no numbing meds or anything, didnt bother me, no pain til i got home, but it didnt hurt when i was getting my cervix snipped in 3 places. ONE out of those 3 came back abnormal, so i went in jan to have the second kind of biopsy, called a LEEP. basically she cauterized a quarter sized piece of my cervix off. and YES i was numbed for that one. and when i went back 3 weeks later (had the LEEP done in the beginning of jan) to check how i was healing she gave me the results, NO CANCER! also this year, i have to get a mammogram (aka BOOBIE SQUISHER) because of the history of breast cancer ON BOTH sides of the fam. i have to get my first boobie squisher 5 yrs earlier than normal. the hardest part about those biopsies was trying to fend off the horny hubby for 2 weeks...lol...because when we CANT do it, he gets horny...lol...he gets horny all the time...then when i "wake him up" so we can have fun, since im the LAST to fall asleep, he doesnt remember it half the time. which i find is hysterical.