GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

yeah, its just not been a good few weeks. found out that my foodstamps were cut by 28 bucks, went from 112 to 84, ya wanna tell me how to feed a family of 4 on 84/month? really? even the best extreme couponer cant do that. when i first got on foodstamps i got over 700 for a family of four, ok, no big deal, i was able to help one of my aunts out who was going thru a divorce at the time, we would go shopping together and still have money left over, then it dropped to 415, ok, again, no problem was able to still help her out a little, but not like before, hubby got a second job, dropped it to 112 last year, ok, now weve got problems, i could barely feed us on that a month, we had to supplement a LOT, which caused a lot of problems, with overdraft and bounced checks, he lost his second job two months ago, because our van broke down with a bad transmission, then yesterday i called my foodstamp card to see how much im getting and let me tell you i am HEATED about losing 30 bucks. instead of going UP like its supposed to, it went down severely, i mean, really? if i dont get a letter stating WHY it dropped today, im calling my caseworker and she WILL have to explain to me WHY. which means since i cant afford to feed 4 of us, one doesnt eat, and thats usually me, but whatever, as long as hubby and the kids eat, whatever. i can go without for a few days, im already fat enough as it is, why do i need to eat? and yes im highly depressed this time of year, especially because 5 yrs ago i lost my son (my youngest daughters twin brother), not being able to feed my family, hell i cant even do thanksgiving dinner like i was planning, my mom dying 6 days before christmas, christmas itself, because i cant even buy the kids gifts without borrowing money from my father in law, who is a freaking SAINT. really, i just wish we could skip nov/dec and be done with it. weve been cutting out a LOT of stuff, i dont buy brand name shit, i dont buy snacks, i cant even really afford fucking HAMBURGER, yeah, hamburger is fucking expensive too. i dont buy juice, cant really buy much milk, so ive had to cut the kids back on that as well, im sick of rice/beans or pasta and i know the kids are too and i know brian is too, but when thats all the fucking food pantries give you, yeah it SUCKS. cant buy the kids fresh fruit, hell i cant even fucking afford canned fruit or frozen fruit. cant go out to eat, cant have fast food, thats all a TREAT when we get it. im tired of fucking hot dogs, because it seems thats the ONLY fucking kind of protein i can afford, i cant even afford a jar of fucking peanut butter or a loaf of fucking bread. cost of living is going UP, paychecks are going DOWN. ya know, people need to fucking realize that there ARE people who actually fucking NEED foodstamps, and those people are not always (not to sound racist here because IM NOT) black with 30 kids, and their husbands arent drug dealers and they dont drive fancy fucking cars. but it seems those are the people who get the most. hubbys brother/sil get 900+ in foodstamps, plus 900+ in WELFARE, plus 8,000/month from SSI because 4 of their 7 kids are stupid, plus they fucking work SOMETIMES as EMT'S really? and they cant AFFORD to pay their bills? hell if brian and i tried that shit, wed probably end up in jail. oh and they have section 8, so that means they pay a certain amount for rent every month. we tried to get on it, denied, we tried to get onto housing, denied, oh right i forgot WERE HONEST, we dont milk the system. right, because being honest isnt heard of anymore, theyll give liars much more than anyone who is fucking HONEST. i give up, i just wont eat ever again, if it means the kids/hubby have something to eat. i really hope that my dad gives me some money from the check he got for helping someone move, brian helped too, and he was going to give us half of it, we told him to keep 50 of it to go towards bills *we pay half, he pays the other half because who the fuck can live on 344/week? even with budgeting* ive tried getting on SSI but the fucking doctors tell me i can work as tolerated, how the fuck can i work as tolerated when i cant even stand for more than 5 mins without being in fucking pain, and i can barely walk 100 feet without being in pain, but the drs all say i can work as tolerated. ive been to 3 fucking drs who are all orthopedists, because the pain is in my hip joints, which are what folks? BONES and what are orthopedists? BONE DRS. theyve taken MRIs and xrays, they find nothing wrong, ok so im imaging the fucking pain? ok, according to them i am, im not. no pain killers work, not even percocets, NOTHING works. since we got the van fixed a month ago (last payment this week for the work the garage did on the tranny) we will have an extra 50 but thats still not much because even shopping at the fucking dollar store you cant get anything for a fucking dollar anymore, cat litter, cat food, is more than a fucking dollar, laundry detergent is not a dollar. diapers, forget it, 10.50 for 40 STORE BRAND dollar store diapers. are you kidding me, i dont think i have any CLEAN clothes, and honestly (yes its gross) but ive been wearing the same outfit for the last two weeks because i have no clean clothes/cant find my fucking clothes so i can fucking wash them. havent worn socks in 4 months (even when i have my shoes on, i still dont have socks on) because every time i wash some for me, my 14 yr old swipes them or my hubby swipes them. im surprised they havent tried to swipe my fucking underwear (which honestly i only wear one week a month, and we all know why) i refuse to wear bras unless im going over to someones house. i dont have a lot of clothes, maybe 4 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of sweats and maybe 4 pairs of pj pants, lots of shirts which i DONT get to wear because hubby swipes them even though he has clean shirts/underwear/pants/socks/pjs. just the load of laundry i did today was his/socks/one of my fucking shirts. just one, no pants for me, cant find any to wash. sometimes i think about ending my life, then i think about where the kids would be or where hubby would be, and i just cant. ive suffered with depression for the last 26 years, medication DOESNT work. i refuse to take it anyways. and honestly i believe there is a GOD, but i DONT believe in him, simply because it seems we get things on track and something else gets thrown in and fucks it all up again. SERIOUSLY i just cant catch a fucking break. my insomnia has gotten worse, i wont go to sleep til 2 or 3 in the morning and get up between 4 and 5 and up til 2 or 3 the next morning. i dont take naps/cant take them. 4 yr old doesnt take naps anymore, so that means mommy cant nap. im always snappyish because my mind fucking races about what their next meal is gonna be, i could care less what i eat, or when i eat, which lately i dont. i havent eaten since sunday night and all i had that night was mashed potatoes and butternut squash because there wasnt enough chicken. ok, stick with me here, 2 pieces of chicken, cut in half, equals 4 right? and you wanna know how  i figure there wasnt enough for all of us, well its simple, we had one of hubbys friends here for dinner, so therefor there was the 4th person to have chicken. sure they all felt bad i didnt have any thing but potatoes and squash for dinner, but when theres not enough, theres not enough. maybe if i go blind by time im 40 i can finally get on disability, which is in like 4.5 yrs. honestly i wouldnt be surprised if im blind by then, since it seems my eyes get worse every time i get them checked, im due for that next year. and i KNOW my eyes have gotten worse. oh well, yeah this isnt supposed to a PITY post but i guess thats what its turned into, so sorry if you really dont wanna or dont care to read about my problems.